I heard that old song “Time” by Hootie and the Blowfish the other day.  As I sat in the car and relived 1993 for a minute (or whenever that song was around), I also found myself agreeing.

Time…you ain’t no friend of mine…

These last couple of months, time has just kind of messed with me.  Things seem to speed up or slow down.  It’s been almost three months since Susan died.  It seems like yesterday.  It seems like a thousand years ago.  I’ve forgotten things, more than ever before.  I’ve been two weeks late on things.  In one case I was one week early on something.  I have everything plugged into my calendar on my phone, so it’s not a scheduling issue.  It’s a memory thing, I guess.  Or a catching-up-to-the-speed-of-everyone-else thing.

The time we spent in the hospital (20 days, from Dec 13 – Jan 1) seem like…I don’t know what…time spent in a different galaxy, or maybe like time spent in the space ship that travels to another world.  Where time gets compressed and distorted and you get there and you have no idea how long you’ve actually been in the ship.  Everyone’s operating on a different wavelength than you.  (vice-versa, I guess)  That’s how this feels some days.  Like I’m a step slower than everything and everybody.

Part of it may be that people simply move on.  I see that all around me – it’s just what happens.  I don’t fault anyone for it.  And yet, I can’t – or I won’t – do it.  There is no “moving on” here.  That phrase doesn’t fit.  Only ones like “living with”  or “dealing with” seem to make sense.

2 Peter 3:8 says “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.”

Here’s to being able to see, and experience, time like God does.

(The time’s ticking on this blog, by the way.  I don’t know how much longer it makes sense to keep this up here.  I may switch it over to my own at some point.  Which means I need to revive that one, since it’s pretty much dead right now.  I’ll keep you posted on that.)


9 Responses to “Time”

  1. Sam Reyes Says:

    I can so relate to this my brother. When my dad died recently everyone went back to their “normal”. I’ve never been normal since.

  2. John Says:

    I can relate too. You want time to fast forward to the future and yet you don’t want to forget a precious moments. You can’t “move on” or even though you may want to at times and others may want you to for your benefit or theirs.

    The pain we feel is commensurate with the value we have for our loss. Your pain represents your value of Susan, maybe even a worship expression of an amazing creation of God. It may sound crazy that our pain is a worship expression to God of what is valuable. So, “camp out” in your loving expression for Susan.

    BTW, Time is one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs. Keep writing CS Lewis, I mean Jerel. Your words are healing to me.

  3. km Says:

    Please do keep your blog or Susan’s going. It is a blessing to be able to read your thoughts and not have to ask the “how are you?” question that all who care about you inevitably DO ask. Only because they care. And they don’t know what else to say, for there is nothing to say other than “we love you” and then listen to you reminisce.

  4. Kristin Brown Says:

    I love receiving these thoughtful “Susan Law” posts. Even just seeing her name in my inbox reminds me of her. it reminds me of how temporary my concerns in this life are. it reminds me that I need to do my best to seize this day. Just her name does that, before I even read what you write. I just hope you won’t feel rushed to stop blogging in her name. I would miss it.

  5. Julie Says:

    I can relate too- after losing my dad to a 9 month battle with cancer i had to deal with losing the best thing i ever knew. So “moving on” was incomprehendable to me. I saw others going about “life” and I wanted to stop every one of them and say “but don’t you realize the best daddy in the world is gone?”… Just made no sense and was stuck in that time-warp too. Counseling pulled me through and a lot of prayer. Praying for you, Jerel…

  6. Charlotte Lennartz Says:

    Jerel – I believe there are many of us that can relate. I lost my father at 15 and moving on was extremely hard. Now I am dealing with losing my Uncle – my dad’s brother – I am not very close to him – but it has just revived unresolved emotions and family disfunction. Please keep posting – It’s so very helpful. I pray for you daily.

  7. Christy Bennett Says:

    I don’t think you move on-you just live through-only with God’s grace and His abundant mercy.

  8. Carolyn Says:

    Please don’t stop!

  9. Tyson Aschliman Says:

    Amen. You say it so concisely… something beautiful about the truth you wrote in these two sentences, when laid out side-by-side:

    “It’s been three months… It seems like only yesterday. It seems like a thousand years ago.”

    and then,

    “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years. And then a thousand years are like a day.”

    Amen. Praying for you today.

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